Smokers' Etiquette

Etiquette--a fancy word for simple kindness.
Elsa Maxwell, Elsa Maxwell's Etiquette Book (1951)

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"cigarettiquette"

The series of (often) unspoken social rules shared by smokers.

"Dude, don't you know you shouldn't go onto a crowded dance floor with a lit cigarette? That's really bad cigarettiquette."

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--from the urban dictionary
(thanks godownfighting)

Imagine if you will....
You're out and about, somewhere in town, and you realize that you're out of smokes. Maybe you left them in the car. Maybe you forgot to get some the last time you were at the store. In any event, you're out of smokes. You see someone--possibly a friend or possibly a stranger--smoking. You ask for a cigarette and they pull out their pack. You realize that the person is down to their last cigarette. Do you take the cigarette?

Probably not.

We abide by a certain etiquette. In the above example, suppose the person had plenty of cigarettes in their pack. Do you offer them a quarter for their trouble? Of course, you do. And the generous person would hold-up their open hand and say, "Oh, no. That isn't necessary. I have plenty." The ensuing quasi-argument is similar to that of the classic struggle to pay for lunch amongst friends. "No, I'll get it this time, you can take care of it next time."

Now, suppose someone asked you for a cigarette and you were down to your last one. Let's give it a twist. Suppose the person asking had just been through something traumatic, like a car accident. Do you give him/her your last to calm their nerves? Again, we rely on simple kindness, don't we. (No question mark.) And, this time, there's no quarter involved.

We also have particular venues in which we usually refrain from smoking--churches, cemeteries, homes of nonsmokers when we have dinner. The necessity of an etiquette reminder has become all too apparent. Etiquette relies on people who do not abuse courtesies. Unfortunately, etiquette from people who smoke to people who do not smoke has become greatly strained as a result of the abuses popularized by antismokers. We need to address these abuses without responding to rudeness with rudeness.

A cigarette might taste good after such a meal....just as a finishing touch.
--Dan Hass
Antismokers don't usually mention this when pushing smoking bans on politicians. Evidently, they believe that people who smoke should be able to refrain from smoking for a couple of hours. This demonstrates two symptoms of ASDS: megalomania and impaired cognitive ability. Please see Recovery for assistance.

So, let's go to the crux of the matter. Guests are expected to show politeness toward their hosts and hosts are expected to show politeness toward their guests. In days of yore, a dinner party would end by the women clearing dishes or gossiping on the porch while others cleared the dishes, and gentlemen would retire to the smoking room or parlor to supposedly discuss business. In our modern world, even restaurants forbid smoking on the premise that people who smoke should be able to "hold out" for a few hours to accommodate antismokers, ignoring the fact that many people especially enjoy smoking after a repast with friends and even more so with an after dinner drink. (In days of yore, there was a tradition of men retiring to a den or snoking room after a dinner, supposedly to discuss business matters that would not interest the women. Smoking after a meal is quite settling to the digestion and calming to the nerves.) Many nonsmokers have opted to request smoking friends to only smoke outdoors several feet from any door or window--even forbidding such activity in the garage. These abuses have led to strained relationships as well as poor economies. A few gentle reminders will help.

  • Simply give the hosts your regrets, so to speak. If an antismoker abhors the presence of tobacco smoke anywhere in the host's home, then the relationship between host and guest is already strained. If people who smoke are left ostracized or feeling uncomfortable, then again the relationship is already strained. In either case, people should not force themselves to be sociable in an uncomfortable setting. Simply giving your regrets to the next invitation will alleviate tensions that could develop further in a frustrating or awkward situation.
  • Similarly, hosts need to determine which people they can most comfortably accommodate. Generally, prospective hosts--whether smoking or nonsmoking--can provide comfortable accommodations for their smoking friends during a get-together either in an outdoor setting where everyone can gather or some other appropriate place. However, decisions must be made prior to issuing invitations to avoid unpleasantness.
  • If the conversation turns sour, then either politely excuse yourself for some fabricated reason, such as refreshing your drink, or take a deep breath through your nose and slowly close your eye, possibly with a disdainful "Oh, really" comment. If the offender throws a tantrum in response to your disdain, then either your host will rightly ask the offender to leave or you will have a legitimate excuse to take your leave of the situation.
  • In a nutshell, these suggestions should be gentle reminders that you are an adult. Therefore, you behave like an adult an expect other adults to do likewise.

A Nice Thing
(courtesy of RichLady from the FORCES Tavern)

I enjoy going for walks and while doing so this evening, just as I was about to cross a street, I realized the light had turned green. I motioned apologetically to the driver in the car who was ready to go through the intersection, but she motioned back to me "no, go ahead."

"But the light is green," I pointed to the light. She smiled and insisted, "No, you go ahead." I smiled back, and indicated "Well, okay, thank you." She was smoking a cigarette.

It must be somewhere in my pile of links that I read someone had made an observation about smokers all huddled together outside and "treating each other with uncommon kindness."

I've reflected much on that since, and I wanted to say to this woman tonight, "You see, I'm a smoker too, I understand." Obviously, I couldn't run right up to her in the middle of the intersection and ask her to join FORCES; but as I continued on with my walk, I had an idea.

....

The sign would indicate "Hey, fellow smoker I understand what you mean, I'm with you," and if they respond back with the same sign it would mean they feel that way too. (Certainly if they don't respond we haven't done anything to be embarrassed about, right?)

I'm thinking also non-smoking sympathizers might like it too, as a way to indicate to us, "I'm cool, you're smoking isn't bothering me, I have an idea what you're going through, and I think much of it's unfair."

A suggestion from WinstonSmith of the FORCES Tavern:

Want to go for a smoke with a friend? Try tapping your lips with your hand. Almost like blowing a kiss, but quickly, not so overt and not doing anything with your lips. This gesture quickly conveys your invitation. Simply do it with others who smoke.

It's also very close to the gesture for "Thank You" in sign language but much less overt.

Webmistress' Note: The genteel thing to do is to include nonsmokers in your gesture. Politeness dictates that they, too, might like an excuse to step out of a boring meeting or a tight social situation.

On a very different forum, the conversation turned to an actress who reportedly threw a reporter’s laptop from a balcony. One friend introduced the notion that people who smoke throw cigarette filters from balconies. I found this quite odd as I’ve never seen someone do such a thing. My inclination was to ask a wisp-er what she thought. Interestingly, she had actually seen people do this from the balconies of rentals on a beach. Normally, when we do not have available ashtrays, we extinguish our smoking materials with the foot and dispose of the remains in the first available ashtray. However, the balconies in this rental community are carpeted and such action would be highly destructive. We began to discuss the problem and solutions of lack ashtrays. (Again, thanks to godownfighting. You do indeed have a "Sunny Disposition" and my sympathies go with those antismokers who have chosen not to partake of your graces in social situations.)

Some time ago, a similar discussion was has on the Freedom2Choose forum. Evidently, British dollar stores do sell portable ashtrays. Other solutions do exist and are shared here:

  • Empty cans (with some liquid) -- An old favorite is an empty soda can with a small amount of water or other liquid in the bottom. A cigarette will extinguish quickly and the entire container can be easily disposed into a trash receptacle at the earliest convenience. For those who do not consume soda pop, other similar cans such as tuna cans or catfood cans, may be used. Glass bottles and disposable paper cups (again, with liquid in the bottom) may also be used. In a balcony situation, the container may be left in a discreet corner for other people who smoke to use and tossed into a trash bin when it is full.
  • Seashells -- As we know, a beach is not simply a large, sandy ashtray. A seashell may be found or purchased for use as a portable ashtray.
  • Pill Boxes -- If a satisfactory portable ashtray cannot be found in your local five-and-dime store, tin pill boxes can suffice very nicely. (Webmistress: I found some lovely ones with depictions of angels on the top—3 for $5—at my local grocery store.)
  • Saucers -- Naturally, one would not use the "good China" for this purpose. In general, a saucer used as a serving plate for food would be distasteful. However, coffee cups and tea cups often have saucers that are not use for food. Moreover, the saucers for tea cups are ridged and curved in an advantageous manner to hold spilt liquid and, therefore, are also appropriately crafted for use as an ashtray, preferably with a tiny amount of liquid to prevent burning.
The only place you cannot smoke is in the gas tanks of my vehicles and if you're gonna go *bleep* you may wanna give me a short warning.
 - Charlie Sheen's "House Rules" 8-97
WebMistress: I do realize that we often see people littering. However, as people who choose to smoke, I believe that we can rise above the more base mentalities. Remember that people who smoke are, by definition, adults, which is the reason that we do not sell tobacco products to minors. People who do not behave like adults--whether they smoke or not--will naturally be treated as children.

Try using some etiquette when socializing.

Problem:

A trendy proclamation from people has become something along the lines of, "I don't smoke but I oppose smoking bans." Although the politically savvy inclination is merely prefaced by the disclaimer of not being one of the obviously persecuted people, the sentiment is usually twofold. The increasingly popular version of this declaration has a cuttingly rude edge to it. The rudeness stems from a zeal to insult the people who are the direct targets of antismoking hostility. The result is that the preface, or disclaimer, is insulting to many people by labeling them and their habit as dirty, gross, stinky, filthy and/or one of any other common insults. The problem for one who smokes and opposes smoking bans is not knowing how to react to such an insult coupled with a praiseworthy assessment of poor societal and legal trends.

 Solution:

Recognize the duality of the statement. On the one hand, the nonsmoker has the keen perception to realize that antismoker laws are bad form and hurt people regardless of their smoking status. (See the Welcome for People who Don't Smoke.) On the other hand, one does not appreciate being insulted. Therefore, an acceptable response would be on the order of, "You're political stance is admirable. I am sorry that you would not enjoy my company." If the offender has gone on at length on the insulting assessments of people who smoke, one might be tempted to emphasize the undesirable aspect of being insulted by rephrasing the response, "You are quite correct that antismoker laws and trends hurt everyone. I am sorry that we would not enjoy each others' company." The latter response clearly conveys the idea that one does not enjoy the company of others who choose to be insulting. However, this could be interpreted as a "zinger" and, therefore, the caution is against responding to rudeness with more rudeness.

 WebMistress:

The birth of this trendy viewpoint has its roots in both social awareness and youthful rebellion. Evidently, contemporary young adults view the overzealous antismoking rhetoric as something conjured by the previous generation and, therefore, something against which they can rebel to some degree. (In other words, not many of these young adults have actually studied the false science--or, if you prefer, the junk science--of Tobacco Control. Moreover, many are not familiar with the numerous pratfalls of antismoking measures.) Admittedly, at first, I found the disclaimer prefacing their rebellion somewhat odd. If I were to give such a disclaimer, then I would say something more along the lines of, "Because I work at home, do not frequent bars, do not raise children and enjoy dining on outdoor patios, the antismoker laws have not generally affected me directly. However, I am greatly opposed to such laws for a multitude of reasons." In other words, the oddness of the disclaimer was that it seemed to assume that only a nonsmoker could give such a disclaimer to qualify the actual reasons for opposing antismoker laws.

Terminology

Filter -- A device at one end of a cigarette for filtering cigarette smoke. The more crass antismokers have popularized an archaic term,"butt," for this device. The more eloquent smokers refrain from such vulgarity. Usage: "We do not dispose of our filters by throwing them on the ground. We dispose of them properly."

Request a Cigarette -- A socially acceptable technique for adding comfort to one's life. The more socially-challenged have popularized the phrase "bum a cigarette." Usage: "Oh, darn. I forgot my cigarettes. Excuse me while I request a cigarette from the gentleman at the next table, won't you."

Hard Times -- A friendly, historical reference to unfiltered cigarettes. History: In later years when everyone had pretty much switched to filtered cigarettes, unfiltered cigarettes became known as "hard times cigarettes" because people bought them when money was tight to get the most "bang for the buck." Usage: "Gimme one of those hard times..." or "I see yer smokin' hard times." (The later as an acknowledgement of the friend's financial state.)

People Who Smoke and, alternatively, People Who do Not smoke -- Phrases referring to people according to whether or not they choose to smoke. Acceptable substitutions for these phrases are "smokers" and "nonsmokers," respectively. However, these substitutions are often inadequate because "nonsmokers" have became distinctly separate from "antismokers." In some circumstances, the substitutions are appropriate, e.g. "Is this establishment smoker-friendly or entirely antismoking?" However, overuse of the substitution terms engenders de-humanizing attitudes, which run the risk of vulgarity. Usage: "We will leave ashtrays on the tables for people who smoke."

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